Regrets.

Regrets.

It’s almost been 5 months since I decided to throw a curve ball at my career and end my journey as as trainee Teacher.

As I go about decluttering my daughter’s room I find a bag with all my teaching gear: numerous teaching folders, a pencil case (of course), more ringbinders and a trusty lanyard. It would be easy to look back in a rose-tinted fondness about what could have been but I am pleased to be looking at this paraphernalia with a sigh of relief.

Yes, I love teaching and still teach on the weekends, but I’m NOT cut out for a career in it- at least not right now. I admire other teachers so much but for me I just felt dread at the prospect of pursuing it any further. The thought of having 31 children in my life and my daughter being the ’31st’ scared me, and I’m afraid to say that I just didn’t have the passion or the whim there to justify the career choice.

It’s been bloody difficult to figure out who I am since having my daughter, and quitting the course plunged me into a whirlwind of uncertainty- but a necessary one. At first I thought I could be a stay at home mum- I still am technically. I imagined some beautiful existence, with my daughter and I running around in matching dresses; but it was not so. Yes, it’s been amazing spending time with her and watching her develop into a little person. I’m so glad I’m here for her like that. But it hasn’t been all roses and sonnets.

When I finally plucked up the courage to start going to toddler groups, I realised something was missing. By that, I don’t mean my daughter wasn’t enough because she’s perfect. I meant something was missing from me. I realised I needed something to stop myself from going off of my rocker.

It was that which that led me to start writing, and now here I am… Still writing. I would be lying if I said that my progress hasn’t been slow and sludge-like. It would also be untrue if I were to tell you that my inbox hasn’t blown up with torrents upon torrents of rejection emails: “we regret to inform you…blah blah”. Yeah, I’ve heard it all now. It’s not easy starting back at square one; it’s also not easy sucking it up everyday in a job that you don’t enjoy anymore.

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