After enduring rolling lockdowns that have killed off all our social skills, most of us have developed more than just a severe vitamin D deficiency and phobia of friends. The chances are, if you’re reading this that you might have become infected with a pathogen that would bewilder any scientist. Beware The Lockdown Bore.
Let’s face it, the last year or so has been a sh*t show for the best of us. It’s definitely had a lot of good points. I for one have had a baby and tied the knot all within the lockdown- I’ve wasted no time. But I have also become an utter mess. I have an arson of new baggage, fully complete with some weird and wacky habits and hobbies. Yes, this whole lockdown ‘experience’ is the red letter day that we never wanted. It’s been hella lonely, but in our isolation none of us have been alone- we’ve all become big messes together. Just not within two metres of each other.
Now the sun is beginning to shine and we have etched that all important birthday into our mental calendars- the birth of the rest of our bloody lives. June 21st. That big bumbling polar bear, Boris Johnson is finally starting to make some sense, Chris Whitty is finally recovering from his chronic bout of negativity and our clubbing days are once again in the pipeline. Hooray. Now an end is in sight, we can take one big laugh from the bottom of our bellies at our lockdown personas before aggressively scrubbing ourselves back to our previous selves. Here is how you know you’ve become a lockdown bore.
1. You have delved into at least one conspiracy theory
It doesn’t matter whether it’s about the assassination of JFK of the origins of covid, you know you have become a hard core lockdown bore if you have fallen head first into the dark underworld of conspiracy theories. Time to slap some life into your pale cheeks and get some air into that system. As soon as June 21st rolls around, ain’t no one going to have time for your subreddit ramblings.
2. The ‘Mute’ button is your favourite video call function
Like everybody else in the world, you have reached Zoom fatigue. You can’t be bothered with the niceties anymore. Your facial expressions have free reign to offend whoever and whenever , and you have discovered that even zoom cannot stop you from being a complete cow. The Mute button has now become your new bestie.
3. You have gained a PHD level of knowledge in a niche subject
If the Pandemic hasn’t plunged you into some weird, deep knowledge rabbit hole, then who even are you. This year, I have become a historical Feminist and an epidemiologist. What have you become?
4. You have ‘raised’ at least one plant
You have decided to give back to mother nature- despite being a complete cow to us all in the past year, and nurse a few house plants. These plants are your babies- your kids are even slightly jealous. These babies don’t cry when you take them away from the wires or when you don’t want to ask Alexa to play that same song from Beauty in The Beast because it’s giving you Disney-induced PTSD. Like kids though, these little things require a lot of responsibility- and sometimes a little sunlight and water can be too much for some of us to handle… Woops.
5.You have cut your hair badly
So I take back ‘badly’. I’ve cut my hair several times this lockdown. Before being induced back last year, I decided to cut my hair into the worst bob I’ve ever seen on any social media platform. I cried pretty much every time I looked in the mirror until it all started falling out- at which point , I was just grateful for anything really. A month ago, half inspired by all the 80s themed programmes I’d been watching, as well as an isolated Brad Mondo video, I made the life changing decision to cut my own bangs. This was an instant regret right? No. It has not only enhanced- it has changed my life. Not only does it hide the array of fine lines I’ve acquired this year, it makes me feel edgy. There is nothing better you can give to someone past the age of 25 than to make them feel like they still have that edge.
6. You have dressed up to go to the shops
“I’m going to the shops” you say, kitted out in your brand new Zara number. The tags are still hanging off your dress, and it has that fresh-fabric scent. Your face is like an orange- an unsettling colour, rather round and with very visible pores underneath the out of date foundation- it’s been a while since you’ve done make up properly, but here you are now right? On the way to Nisa Local…
7. You have had some sort of life crisis at any point
I’m sorry but we all have.
8. You’ve become a cleaning nerd
New to the Hinch Army? Well welcome to the crew. Lockdown has made you take a real good look at your small apartment, and judge it. Hard. You’ve bought all the cleaning cult classics. The Pink stuff, the Elbow grease, Zoflora. Some of them smell nice, some of them look good in your cupboard, and some of them are there to make you feel like you’re ontop of this whole adulthood lark. You’ve put cling film on your taps, lemons in your shower and Eucalyptus leaves down the loo. You clean when your happy, clean when you’re sad, and bang the hoover around extra loudly when you’re annoyed with your husband.
As I’m sat here writing this, it seems more and more like there’s a light at the end of this very long and dark tunnel. So now it’s time to get some sunlight on your face, splash out on an anti ageing stash and get ready to re enter life.